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Name: sarai
Gender: Female
Interests: the truth, writing, love and laughter, music, reading books, falling asleep under a tree, finding beauty in everyday things, my hobbies, memories.
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/24/2008
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| holy crap it's hot in my room.
i feel sticky. stick-eee. blegh!
alriiiiight. i'll turn on the ac. such a hassle. the noise it makes, the burst of cold air, the stuffiness i get! my parents should invest in a central air system. although, it would be a bit silly since we only have summer for 3 months. ah well. anyways. speaking of this heat, i've been getting very mopey with the humidity and blazing sun these past days. it rains for a few hours, and then all that moisture in the ground turns into vapor and suffocates everything! especially oreo and i when we go out for a stroll!
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two wolves
(author unknown)
one evening an old cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
he said, "my son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all. one is evil.
it is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
the other is good. it is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
the grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "which wolf wins?"
the old cherokee simply replied, "the one you feed."
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this poem made me think of a conversation i had with my mom. i was complaining about my health to her. i was going on and on of how bored i was with the way i was feeling and how awful it feels at times and i said a few words and she completely shut me up. i said "it's hopeless". she got upset from that point forward. she told me how my attitude contributes alot to how i feel. and she told me i have to change that. seeing things as being "hopeless" is giving up, not putting up a fight. and she says how i react now is how i will react later, when i do have bigger problems. i can see that the big problems have solutions or that even if they do, i won't search for them. it's true what she says. i have to keep fighting. i have to understand and accept the issues i have and work with them, not against them. she said i may have asthma all my life and that's fine. there's people who have far worse diseases and live years without complaining because they are still breathing.. living. i have to try. i may never find a solution for any of the things that affect me, but i can try. and i will.
now, onto other things..
i miss my boyfriend. i miss anthony so much. especially tonight, as i watched the movie "despicable me". just because i know it's his kind of humor, it was 3d and it was just... fun. i wish he was there to look over at and laugh with. missing him this bad makes me appreciate the moments i do have with him. missing him like this also makes me think of how grateful i am. i really am so fortunate to have him in my life. he's so insanely incredible. i just can't comprehend it. he's my jewel. i want to take care of him forever. sometimes i daydream about him and our life together. i drift off and think of how it will feel to cuddle up next to him and fall asleep... i mean, have our bodies touch, caress and fall deep into sleep. i am going to feel so safe, so loved, so... i can't think of the word. it's a feeling. i miss him so bad. i love him. i love him for all he is. i wouldn't change anything. the world melts when i look at anthony. it all disintegrates slowly. he's the only one i see. god i love him. i feel like crying! :(
i miss him... | | |
| do you remember the nights we'd stay up just laughing?
smiling for hours at anything?
remember the nights we drove around crazy in love?
i've been thinking of the concept of love, and how it exactly works. since the day we are born, we are in the arms of our mother, the closest source of love to us. then as we grow older, we learn the concept of family and more people are added to our life who sincerely love us. we make friends and love them as well. then there comes a time where you want to love someone who isn't family and who isn't a best friend, and you want to love them passionately where they exclusively only give you attention. i sometimes think romantic love is selfish. it shouldn't be because it's a two way road but seen from an innocent perspective, that of a child's, it's selfish. (married couples with kids is excluded in this.) so, why is it that whenever i have felt unloved from a guy, it hurts more than losing a love of a friend? i don't know the answer, but i think it's because loving someone romantically, you leave yourself vulnerable yet trying to impress them. and when none of what you did was enough, you feel like you've let yourself down because you didn't do well enough to keep them in love with you. whereas losing a friend, there's usually a feud or just growing apart, you weren't trying to impress your friend. you just were what you were and that is all, you can do no more.
i think that's what makes love so heartbreaking. it's being let down by someone close but it's also feeling a sense of failure. and i don't care what pride someone may have saying that they're moving on and were the best to the person, because obviously, you weren't. and i don't think everyone should beat themselves up for feeling like they didn't do good enough for someone because some of those people weren't even worth impressing! anyways. if you let someone walk into your life and become a big part of it, you miss them and wonder what went wrong. it's just human. it's interesting how this emotion, L.O.V.E, is engraved into us since we are born. another big form of love that i think is extremely indispensable is self-love. someone who has respect for themselves, shows self-love and how it effects your actions, thoughts and interactions with the world. it really does. then moving on to having children of your own, that's a whole different side of love. it's close-to-death love. that's how much you love them. they're a part of you. love seems to be the main component of being human. and it's so sad how people choose to hate someone instead of loving them.
i read a quote not too long ago talking about how a former love never leaves, they're a part of you forever, you will always love them. i suppose i agree with that. i know that whatever i have gone through before, effects whatever i am going through now. i know that when i have felt hurt from someone i have been with, i feel anger and resentment. and at times, i thank them in my mind for breaking my heart because it made me see my future in such a more beautiful way. love is just everything isn't it?
speaking of love, and a beautiful future, there's my anthony. my incredible anthony who makes my world brighter and lighter all at the same time of being 1,000 miles away. love can reach all points of the world. i miss him. i really miss him when i am having fun. he isn't here to share it with me. i miss him when i feel lonely, because i know i can just call him and hear his voice but sometimes, i wish i could feel his hand touching mine. i miss him when i'm sad because i wish i could hug him and cry on his shoulder, but all i can do is cry in my hands and pretend he is near me. i miss him all the time. i try not to focus on the distance, trust me, i remind myself constantly to dismiss the thought, but sometimes it just lingers. i love him. i love him entirely. i won't ever deny my love for him, no matter what. he's been the nicest friend for so long and an absolute sweetie while we've been together. and i always wonder, if someone this amazing is interested in me and we're together, why do we have to be apart? love is masochism in the subtlest of all ways. it seriously is. and i don't suppose i need to find love in my area lol. that's just ridiculous. but how often does this kind of love come around? does everyone who falls in love feel this? why does this happen to anthony and i when we are so far? the answer will probably puzzle me anyway so what's the use in asking. anthony, do you feel this way? do you feel sad?
xoxo. sarai. | | |
| you're so hypnotizing
you've got me laughing while i sing
you've got me smiling in my sleep
and i can see this unraveling
your love is where i'm falling...
i'm so pathetic sometimes. this is a general post and i want to say... anthony is truly the most beautiful person i know. inner beauty counts, yes. but he is just all over gorgeous. he's so understanding, patient and calm. everything i am not. everything i want to be. i am irrational, nervous and anxious. most of the time. i've heard that once you marry someone, you adopt alot of their qualities, well.... i really hope i adopt anthony's characteristics. i know the negative spreads faster but i believe i can work on what i lack.
i miss him so much. i swear his visits, the longer they are, the slower time becomes when he leaves. i get so happy and used to having him around that my life almost pauses... and speeds up back to a very slow winding pace when he's gone. it's almost not fair. why does love leave you feeling so helpless and yet so strong at the very same time? i wish i knew. i really love him. i can't even handle myself yet he handles me entirely. he's a gem. i feel like crying.
bye xanga.. | | |
| hi xangaaaa.
first. xanga needs an iphone app lol. seriously.
so i want to talk about the whole concept of repeating mistakes. i'm not necessarily talking about myself although i have been an idiot in this concept. i do admit it. i was just thinking of something anthony mentioned to me earlier today, about this girl who has gone back to her domestically abusive husband. i wish i knew what she felt and thought at the time she made this decision. did he look for her? did he say something that touched her heart? did she miss the attention? did she miss the... sex? (realistically speaking, i know some people are only with their partners for that reason.) is she depressed and feels she deserves that? is she addicted to feeling unworthy? i just want to know *what* it is. what makes her go back. what makes her repeat a mistake.
i understand some men have an unbelievable power over a woman but a woman always, absolutely always has power over herself. i don't think these "self-esteem" programs for girls are a good help. neither are the "embrace your body" ones because some overweight girls shouldn't embrace that. they should check their cholesterol and make sure they're in good health. anyways. i think they're should be "self-worth" programs. sadly, the women i admire that know their self-worth and know exactly what they deserve are women who have gone through a lot of unnecessary pain from a man. i'm a woman i admire! jk. seriously tho, i think a bunch of girls don't know what they deserve, they just kind of shrug off the negative. and girls act like there are no more guys in the world. deep down tho, i think the girl that is abused (emotionally, verbally, physically, mentally) and wants to leave the man, i think that girl isn't scared of being alone, i think she's extremely insecure with the idea of that man being with someone who is not her. i think that many women feel that way. they aren't ready for that.
and i get it. but those girls need to grasp the concept of life going on. life always goes on! and omg there are so many freaking guys out there. tons. yeah there's alot of girls too, alot of pretty girls, but a whole lot of men to pick from. but then the problem for a girl making this one guy her whole world, that there will never be another guy like him. (why the hell would you want a guy like him? "same guy, different time"? PASS.). i don't know. i just don't think a girl should settle on anything, especially a guy whom she shares her feelings with, her body with and her time. time is precious, and god knows i'm obsessed with time! when i settle on shoes, i get so depressed. i don't even want to look at the shoes, let alone wear them. in public! horrific! and girls settle in relationships constantly. tsk. | | |
| as bad as i want to type out that everything is just great in my life, i can't. i'm not turning this xanga into a "negative venting" area; because i originally created this to record the good in my life. but i am feeling extremely stressed and rushed lately. i don't even know why. in the back of my mind, i have school in mind, the trip to see anthony/zoe, stephanie's wedding, saving money and work. and of course there's other factors in my life that give me a headache; like my mom getting a great job after school (this really stresses me out. and i know it's ridiculous.), and school and anthony. most of the things that stress me out, i can't control. i know that. but i don't know what my brain thinks. i almost feel disconnected with my head. i know deep down i don't want to be stressed out, i want to be calm, i want to be logical. yet i can't. i wish i could do something. i'm beginning to lose hope. i feel so absolutely undeserving of anthony too. everytime i get this way, i want to lock myself in a room with my thoughts. and worst part is i know if i just talk to him, he will calm me down. but sometimes i just don't want to. ugh. i need to shut up.
i really love him. he's my whole world. he's so sweet and very understanding. i wish i was better. i want us to be a more spiritual united couple. i want to increase my service hours and read the bible. i have the studying for all the meetings down. i do that. i just feel so far from jehovah sometimes, and it's the worst feeling to fathom. when i pray to him, i feel much better, but i also feel sad for neglecting him. i used to feel so much closer. i know i let "life" get in the way, and that's not fair to him. he lets me live my life. i wish anthony and i could go out on service together. i would love to see him doing that. i want so many things that i cannot do. ever. i want jehovah to be more important to us.
i was reading the time travelers wife again, from the beginning. and as clare is describing henry when she sees him in his late 20s, it's just enchanting. then there's henry's version.. and he sees clare beautifully, but in a more puzzled way of course. since he's the time traveler. anyways, i hope to finish the book this time around.
ps. it sucks how everyone lied when my mom started school and my dad/brother promised to help out at home. cause they don't. i do everything. and it also sucks that anthony can't get to sleep sometimes, and that he gets body aches. sigh.
if you're reading this anthony, know that i love you so much. i'll love you until i die. | | |
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